Love and appreciation: Perceptions and Expectations

I have been not been able to write this article for a couple of weeks now mainly because I’ve been snowed under by work. Actually, it was supposed to be my March entry. Now I owe myself at least two articles this month to make up for the fault.

People have many problems that affect the way they relate with the society and circumstances, among which is their perception of being loved and appreciated. I maintain the word ‘perception’ because it is the way the person feels about the situation, not necessarily the way it actually is. Let me break it down the way I understand these two very affective notions: love and appreciation. Some people feel they are/were not loved and/or appreciated at all or enough by their parents and or siblings and or spouses. So this raises the question of WHY do they feel that way? Do their definitions of love and perception match the other person’s? I have learnt, through experience and a lot of reflection that people have differing, albeit conflicting ways of showing they love or appreciate someone.

In our typical African society, parents don’t often tell their child ‘I love you’! Does this mean their children are less loved than children from communities where these words are like a prefix to every sentence? Absolutely not! Many of us never even tell our spouses that we love them, but then we do like crazy. We grew up with what can be referred to as ‘tough love’ in the literal sense of it. Our parents will show how much they love us by disciplining us in ways we can never forget (any memories here?) because they love us so much they won’t want us to repeat the same mistake twice. They sacrificed a lot for us, wearing the same pair of shoes for two years because there is a conflicting need to them getting a new pair and feeding us, and they chose the latter. They care when we fail or don’t meet certain expectations that they ‘challenge’ us to do better by rewarding the sibling who performed better. This is same thing with some couples. There are couples who have never told their spouses ‘I love you’, but they show it in the way they respect and honour the other. They are attentive to their partner’s needs, and are selfless in giving a good image of the other.

In a similar light how do we feel appreciated? Do we want to be told ‘Well done, good work’ by our bosses, colleagues, spouses, family members all the time? I was a very bright student growing up, but my mom had set a very high standard for me that being second in class (even with an excellent average) just didn’t cut it. You had to be the best to get her to give back your report card without saying anything. What was most amazing was that being the top of the class alone didn’t cut it either, you needed to maintain a consistent excellent grade in all your subjects. Ok, I didn’t turn out to be a genius, but I later understood that my mother was very appreciative of my efforts to get better in school. She just didn’t say it. Many of us can relate with that, and have many other examples in our lives where we felt we were trying too hard to please somebody and the person just couldn’t say it. I will leave out details about appreciation in a couple as this will be the subject of another blog.

Now here are my deepest thoughts on these issues:
· Convergence of our perception of being loved, and actually being loved. Do we expect more than we can get? Our parents gave us the best of what they had. You can’t expect blood from cabbage (quoting a famous politician). My advice: look at the intention, not the words! However, because we are creating our own families, we can give more than what we had. Understanding the other person is very important, and learning to say those words might make all the difference. Some people by nature are very sentimental and will want to be told those words – it doesn’t kill to say them. Others are more action/intention-focused that they will want love to be demonstrated – demonstrate it. Simply put, find a balance between how you know how to love, and what the other person expects from you.
· For appreciation, I will be brief because there are really no alternatives: PLEASE YOURSELF. Do everything as if you were doing for yourself, rather than to get recognition from others. Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate your achievements like you are the best at it. If there is someone willing to celebrate with you, then pour him a glass – being generous can only add more blessings!