18 Years of Adventure

Today, 18 years ago, I got married. An adventure it has been, albeit a full package of joy, laughter, celebratory events, challenging moments and doubt, but I can confidently say never a regret.

An adventure is “an exciting, unusual or bold experience that pushes you out of your comfort zone.” Often, people meticulously plan and prepare to the best of their abilities before undertaking an adventure. People set aside resources, draw up an itinerary, conduct research, and prepare their minds to discover what will unfold as they undertake the journey. An adventure evokes feelings of excitement, anxiety, fear, uncertainty… and yet joy and a deep sense of empowerment at the end. Marriage is an adventure that doesn’t necessarily follow the norm.

The anticipation phase of marriage is like most adventures for many people (I assume)—butterflies, excitement of leaving your comfort zone (independence or singlehood), and curiosity. Yet, unlike most adventures, people do not plan to come back to their present state. It’s like preparing to go live the rest of your life in the Amazon forest, rather than visiting for tourism. That feeling of forever can be deeply scary or deeply exciting depending on how you view your forever.

Then comes the experience phase—excitement, bliss, happiness, joy, and discovery, mixed with uncertainty, physical and emotional hurdles, and sometimes regret. In the thick of the Amazon rainforest, visitors are awestruck by the scenery and unadulterated nature, but common sense will ask them to be cautious of the thousands of wild beasts, reptiles, and amphibians that live in that ecosystem. People decide to keep going and focus on the exciting aspects, give up and ask for an airlift back, retrace their steps back to their comfort zones or give in and be complacent based on resilience and tolerance thresholds, life goals, and personal values. All these individuals share a common experience: there is a shift in what they knew as their comfort zone, unlike in the case of a physical adventure. Once you leave that space and get married, your original comfort zone shifts. I can do a deep dive on this topic in another post.

The final stage of the adventure, if completed, comes with amazement, a sense of achievement, and personal benefits. In marriage, this phase combines with the experience phase as each individual sets milestones for reflection and stock-taking – for most, it comes every anniversary, after events such as the birth of a child or realization of a family project. Other critical reflective moments come spontaneously after major disagreements and fights, disappointments, persistent disrespect, abandonment, etc.

I’ve been on this adventure for 18 years, and I believe that, by virtue of longevity, I have earned the right to tell every woman, no matter how far along you are and what your experience is – B R E A T H E. If you can perform this simple unconscious exercise of inhaling and exhaling, know you can make it… proceeding on the adventure, being airlifted back or retracing your steps. Remember, you are on that journey for yourself first. Your partner is there to keep you company on the right path (not misdirect you), pull you up when you are drowning (not hold your head under water), protect you against predators (not use you as a shield) and hold your hand when you are too weary to go on (not leave you behind).

Gifting – A love note to an awesome individual

 If you read my birthday post, you know I’ve been thinking about memorable things I’ve done for others, and yes, it is not self-serving or narcissistic; I’m looking at it from the viewpoint of having received more than enough so I can give to others. And sometimes it feels good to leave the bubble of humility —faux or intentional – and accept that you have been a blessing to many. It’s motivating and brings illumination to what’s important for you – for me, it's more than that; it brings meaning to my purpose.

Today, I woke up thinking about gifting – in light of what I’ve received, not what I’ve given. Am I expressing contradictory ideas? No… it’s the egg, chick, egg cycle. I have been thinking about gifts I’ve received from one individual – a beautiful soul who I absolutely love. However, before I return to discussing this specific angle, let me first talk about gifting in general.

Gifting is a gesture of kindness, sometimes to join souls and spirits in celebrating an event, honour a relationship, express emotion, meet a need… but, more importantly, to create lasting memories. We gift without expecting something in return, but gifting follows the law of reciprocity – not necessarily between the individuals involved or in the same physical measure. When you give a gift with pure intentions, you may not realise it at the time, but that kindness always comes back to you.

There are a few considerations that come to mind when thinking about what to give someone – the 'why' of it all, what the person likes, what the person needs/wants, affordability and accessibility, etc. Above all, people always say, ‘It’s the thought that matters.' True, and… nothing beats the warm glow on the receiver’s face.

Admittedly, I’m one of those ones that people find difficult to give gifts to. And to be honest, I would find it difficult to gift someone with my personality trait. However, this person has successfully broken through the barriers I have erected around my life events and has over the years bestowed upon me the most unforgettable gifts. Her gifts are very practical yet could be placed in the museum of my heart. She has a way of selecting the most thoughtful items for me – not what I need or want, but what I would like to keep and cherish. I want her to acknowledge the gift of picking the most perfect gifts every time.

Note: all those pictures were taken today – of some of the gifts she's given me over the years.

 

My 2025 Birthday

As I sit here towards the end of the day of my birthday, reflecting on how beautifully unique this day has been, I remember that I promised to share my blog with more people today.

Am I ready for that move? Absolutely not! But is there ever … Will there ever be … a time when the chips are all in place for a big launch? I doubt it. The human mind doesn’t allow satiety, lest it be branded lazy, mediocre, and the like.

Where do I start? First, I'll tell you about my day, which started before 4 am. The heat was awful, and the electricity kept going out, so I couldn't sleep much. I picked up my phone and saw a long message that started with 'Happy birthday’—my first birthday wish. But the message swiftly devolved into an anticlimactic account of what the sender believed I had done to hurt them. I decided to respond and clear the mess before the crack of dawn because I intended to have a joyful day. That I did! Couldn’t sleep; I tossed and turned, thinking about the memories I have helped create for others.

6:25 am, I was in the car to the office—a pinkish red dress never worn to work before, black stilettos because why not, and maroon lipstick. It was a busy day in the office, and then I received a call—someone was at the gate for me. My friend, who is the twin sister of another friend, had arrived with beautiful red roses in one hand and a cute little cup that reads, ‘You’re my lobster.' Sure, the phrase is a reference from the series 'Friends,' which I never watched because it was too popular for my liking. Pictures, pictures… WhatsApp and back to work. Ooohhhh! But hold on… those roses are to die for.

Then walks in my friend and colleague. She had ordered a bucket of chicken from a Chinese fast-food joint, which we picked up at the gate, and I saved it for later. Of course, today is the last day of my dawn-to-dusk fasting (starving, according to my young friend, side note, she won't make heaven), and I must hit the finish line.

Now let me back track… I did something monumental today. I took a leap of faith and sent an email that could change the course of my 9-to-5 life. I won't reveal the specifics right now, but I firmly believe that I was obeying God's instruction, and I am certain that I will be writing a testimony about it soon. 

Back home, I enjoyed the chicken while reverting to the thoughts I had in the wee hours of the morning. It's easy to think about what others have done for you, but it's also good to reflect on how you've affected their lives. I forgot to mention that I posted a rare update on my WhatsApp status at 3 am. Simple message—'Typical April Day. Empty bank account but extremely grateful and happy.' The truth of this statement hinges on the specific bank account in question. I’m sure I have mentioned in a previous post the correlation between my birth month and the amount of disposable money I have left by my birthday. This year is no exception, but the money was used for a good cause, including giving someone a once-in-a-lifetime experience of travelling abroad to visit a sibling. I thought of the times I have stood in the gap between people and new life experiences, whether it be paying for travel, education, coaching for job interviews, or even just seeing another perspective that changed their way of thinking. Those accomplishments made me smile. Who am I? What’s my purpose in life? I wonder.

As this day draws to a close, I am grateful for all the kind messages and gifts of love that I received—from family, friends, and acquaintances. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve others in many ways. I can’t express enough gratitude for divine providence that provides and provides and provides, enabling me to give and give some more. I have a deep appreciation for the person I am, the family I am constructing, the life I live, and the people who surround me; however, my greatest love is for God.

 

When ‘Nothing, really’ really feels good

I’ve been feeling like time is being stolen from us – feeling like a day is no longer 24 hours, second for second. We are always rushing, late and indeed ‘running late’ has become an expression of choice when we are running behind schedule. Then COVID-19 came, and people suddenly found themselves with too much time in their hands as the world slowed down. After the initial shock, Parkinson’s law kicked in – ‘Work expands to fill time available’, and humanity creatively crafted more work for themselves, and then time became a constraining factor once again. See the cyclical nature of this? Anyway, let me refocus and circle back to time later.

In March 2021, I left a good remunerating job with awesome medical cover after more than nine years. This job required average intensity, which had really become low intensity because of COVID-19, yet the salary remained the same. I had wanted to leave for a while but needed a good reason and courage to step out, indeed on hindsight I was seeking any reason. I started on a short-term consultancy, minimal medical coverage, high intensity, skills demanding, time consuming, fast paced job. This, to anyone who didn’t know me would have felt crazy – but the people who knew about this transition understood that such crazy is something that I could excel in. Three contract renewals and a series of recruitment tests later, I accepted a more permanent position with the organization. For this to take effect, it was mandatory that I took a one-month break in service. This was about the most excited I had felt in a long time. Colleagues were wondering why I was excited about an unpaid break, and HR staff explained to me twice to ensure that I understood I won’t be paid during my break. Of course, I clearly understood, and I wasn’t thinking about the lost income, I was excited for the time gain.

As I write, I am six weeks into the break that was supposed to be four weeks long, and I’m not complaining. This is not because I have projects that I started or am engaged in that necessitate more tine. In effect, I didn’t set any objectives for myself during this break – I could have learned to sew, gardened, honed my knitting skills, travelled, visited friends, read a book a day, etc. Instead, I decided this time I’ll let time take control and my only goal was my life’s goal of staying happy today, now, this moment. So, when asked what I have been doing these past weeks, my simple response has been ‘nothing, really’ and it really feels so good. When I look back at these past weeks, I realize no amount of salary could pay for the time spent doing ‘nothing, really’. The cherry on the cake and the most important assessment has been what my son has said/asked so many times ‘Mommy, I wonder why you have become so relaxed and nice’. My response – ‘Well son, it is because I’ve had many days of doing nothing really, and it feels so great’.

Age or Maturity… or a Combo

These past couple of days my mind has been reeling the film of memories of my ageing… maturity journey. It’s a little confusing to me, it’s not a perfect graph and the pencil is still in action, drawing strokes, sometimes discontinuous. There are gaps in my memory because my brain compartmentalizes a lot, and there is a recycle compartment as well as ‘permanently deleted’ section. I used to be that student who forgets the names of their mates during the 2.5 months of summer break, and it has gotten worse with age. But I digressed, let me stick to this ageing/maturity dichotomy.

I loved my twenties… the freedom, the growth, the new experiences and a lot of first times. The first part of that decade for me was very memorable. I graduated from university, engaged in service learning and volunteering for random things like typing out the manuscript of someone’s memoir and establishing administrative documents and procedures for a catholic secondary school, had a couple of temporal jobs and then got a full-time employment. On the growth side, I had a major heartbreak, and even as significant as this seemed, I’ll not indulge it any further. My late twenties was a time of making and building friendships, meaningful, respectful and lasting relationships. It was the craziest period of my life because I was experiencing life from different, sometimes conflicting angles at the same time – being the incarnate professional; exploring almost all the cabarets and nightclubs in Yaounde, Douala and Limbe; holding firm to my faith and being religious somewhat; bought two cars in the same year even before obtaining a driver’s license (please do not ask me what happened to the other car if you remember seeing me with just one car. That memory has been recycled); met and fell in love with someone I knew little about and then eventually we got married. My job permitted me to travel and meet so many great minds, as well as develop my skills in many aspects and eventually started training others in leadership and communication… oh did I mention I relocated and took up a job in another country that involved even more travel?

My thirties started with pregnancy, then the most awesome gift I have ever received… my son was born. That to me is the single most important blessing. I had a new job and then the rest of my early thirties is a little blurry. My mid to late thirties were the most materially blessed years. We (my spouse and I) built a house, a home that had almost all the specs of my dream house given the environment and circumstances. This period also allowed me to gain new insights into Christianity and really start to define myself within the Christendom. I also reinstated my younger cousin who had been carried away by the wiles of life and she eventually had her A/Levels and a professional certificate; and then I had myomectomy and laparoscopy. I also had a lot of growth opportunities and reflections into self. In my mid-thirties, I wondered a lot why I couldn’t bring myself to say the things I really wanted to say (I might have mentioned this in a previous blog article). I stayed a lot in my head space, and it fatigued me because I was always hesitating to express myself. Sometimes I lied to myself that I don’t want to hurt the other person, but then subjected myself to psychological torture because I knew I should have said something but didn’t. In my last one year or so of the decade, I became more expressive and continued to develop that skill. Furthermore, I became more in touch with some expertise I had like being able to negotiate a truce between people without getting emotionally invested or causing more frustration on the part of the concerned. People also saw in me a confidant and very rational individual. But in some areas, I felt I wasn’t trusted by some people who really mattered to me and sometimes had to deal with prolonged months of passive hostility aka angered silence, with no idea of what I could have done wrong. This brought me to a space of deeper understanding, where I learned to focus on what I can control and not worry about what I can’t.

In my forties (Yes, I am in that decade already, have been in for a minute now but can speak to it), I continue to grow in areas I can control – my response to situations, my use of words trying hard to be understood (for I believe a word comes alive when it’s said), asking for forgiveness even when I think I should be at the receiving end. I seek to stay on target – happiness - and peace brings happiness. To me forgiveness has to be complete with the ‘forget’… not in erasing memories but in not revisiting that ‘story’ in a spiteful way. That seems hard, and I don’t successfully implement that sometimes. Another interesting aspect is that forgiveness benefits more the seeker than it does the recipient. Misunderstandings are common and most times everyone thinks they are right – and they may be, based on the angle from which they are analyzing. I isolate my responsibility in enabling a situation, name it (if it’s clear to me) and ask for forgiveness. Whether it is well received, or whether that means the entire blame is placed on me, or again whether my forgiveness request is seen as admission of guilt, is really not my concern. I am more concerned with liberating myself by asking for forgiveness and making sure that I’m heard. It is hard at times but gets easier with time. This pulls every thread of humility from my spine- sometimes it actually leaves me feeling lame and incapacitated but trust me I get over the issue faster than I would have the effects of an unresolved situation.

What I love most about entering this new decade is choice – now I don’t feel constricted in expressing myself, I feel like I have a choice to express myself anyway I want. I maintain a very high level of decorum when talking, but I say what I want to say and I’m not apologetic for my thoughts. This feeling of having a choice to how much restrain I want to muster has helped me most in my professional life where sometimes we are confronted with situations where the truth makes a lot of people uncomfortable but there are huge consequences to concealing the truth – so finding the balance in a way that brings people to understand, even though they are uncomfortable with what you are saying. People who thought I was assertive in my twenties ought to see me now, hahahaha. Finally, I choose my battles carefully, being guided by the potential impact of engaging in a battle, considerations of what I can control and the emotional space I’m in at that time.

I am looking forward to healthier and meaningful relationships, being understood and being forgiven. I am even more focused on having a happier life, with a lot of selfcare and looking great according to my standards (I have recently cut my hair and some people think this is counter great looks, but I said MY standards). I have a lot of love, care and joy elements to give and also giving underprivileged people the opportunity to develop their skills/education. God bless you and thank you for not judging me based on this write-up (although sincerely it really doesn’t matter to me whether you do). My desire is that this inspires you to reflect and see how much you have matured as you are aging and make amends that are God-approved and bring you shalom peace and happiness.

Myomectomy – My Experience

It’s been a little over a year and nine months since I underwent the first surgery to remove fibroids. The procedure is called myomectomy and you can read more about it from the internet. However, I want to share my experience because as I was doing a pre-ops research, I did not find a lot of experiences that I could relate to. I found a lot of information about experiences of women in the US and other developed countries, and very little in developing countries. That worried me because the healthcare systems are so different from ours and it made me wonder if I should even proceed with the surgery.

For the sake of making this a good and easy read, I have spilt My Experience into the following articles



Myomectomy – My Experience, The Decision

Myomectomy – My Experience, Questions for the Surgeon or Ob-Gyn

Myomectomy – My Experience, The Build-Up

Myomectomy – My Experience, The Day of theSurgery


Myomectomy – My Experience, Post-Op

Myomectomy – My Experience, The Decision

I knew I had fibroids in April 2010, when I was about 14 weeks pregnant. During my first ante-natal visit, I was subjected a physical exam (which at that time I thought was very invasive, naively, not knowing there were even more invasive tests that I will have to endure as pregnancy progressed and just for being a woman) and a scan, the Ob-Gyn told me lightly that I shouldn’t worry about the fibroids because they were small and out of my uterus. He was surprised to learn I wasn’t even aware I had fibroids, because he thought I would have had signs prior to being pregnant. All the OB-Gyns I met as my pregnancy progressed in Kenya, Cameroon and US assured me the fibroids will not interfere with my pregnancy or birthing. 

Fast forward two years after I had my baby I went in for another check. I was informed there are still two fibroids but they were positioned in a way that I couldn’t conceive and even if I did I’ll lose the baby. The OB-Gyn and Lab Tech were both surprised when I told them I had a baby with those same two fibroids. Subsequently over the next couple of years I saw a few more Gynecologists who gave me conflicting information about the position of the fibroids and their effect on conception. However they all agreed on the number of fibroids and the need for surgery, which I wasn’t considering at that time.

In May 2018, someone gave me the contact to an Ob-Gyn in Yaounde, Cameroon. I went in for a check and he strongly suggested surgery after a series of tests and consultations. He took time to explain the pros and cons to me and why it was his professional suggestion for surgery. I did a lot of research and had a list of questions (refer to the next article) ready for him. He was more convincing than the others, and after talking with a few other gynecologists, I decided to go for myomectomy and laparoscopy. The moment I made this decision, I felt a kind of peace, shalom peace, and I knew I was making the right decision.