Have you ever been told, literally, by someone you love and care for that your relationship is not meeting their expectation? Well, I have and it hurts!
In any relationship, people have expectations as individuals, even though sometimes those expectations are never expressed, they are there hidden somewhere inside. Isn’t that the reason why some relationships fall apart, because the other person does not meet the expectation of the other? We are all egoistic, but at different levels. In the ideal world, when people get together in relationships or teams or workgroups, what should carry the day is the ‘compromised’ expectation of that relationship -‘compromised’ because it is some form of combination of the individuals’ expectations. There are always trade-offs, you lose some of your individualism in order to make the whole (group, relationship, etc.) better.
So what does it mean when your partner, team member, group member, etc. tells you that you are not meeting their (individual) expectations? It means among many interpretations, that there are fault lines in that relationship. But which relationship doesn’t have fault lines, you may ask. None, I daresay. However, we should be careful the way we relay a thought or a feeling… saying your partner does not meet your expectation is too prideful and self-conceited. Whatever happened to group expectation?
I’m not trying any form of self-gratification or atonement… nay! Writing is my outlet, earthly harbor of my secret thoughts. As I have written often, I take sole responsibility of every word I write. Back to my narrative – it is said in team building that the team takes joint responsibility for success and for failure. Why then do people single themselves out as the ones who have always made all the effort and have never faltered, and even when seemingly they derail, it is because of the action of another person, who then has to take all the blame? It’s like communication, it is a two way process, I absolutely do not see how a breakdown in communication is entirely caused by one person, except of course the other person is an object.
Scattered thoughts – I’m sure you don’t understand my rambling. I feel so hurt, I can’t even think straight. I’m trying to go about life as if everything is ok, but there is a limit to how much I can take and consider normal. For the sake of peace, I’m waving the white flag, the ‘nkeng’ (peace plant). It will not take anything from who I am, it may require some extra energy which I am sure I can muster, but I hope it’ll bring peace – real peace. Shalom!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Pregnant Again!
For some unknown reason, people around me seem to KNOW I am pregnant, and they are telling me so matter of fact-ly. And for some unknown reason, there has been a lot of talk of pregnancy around me. Truth be told, I am not denying any statement insinuating I am preggo to the people saying it, so I suppose I am nourishing the rumor. I’m also guilty of benefitting from a couple of favors because the other person thought I was preggo.
Don’t ask me why this rumor started. I have three hypotheses:
1. I have put on weight and look pregnant –I weighed myself a couple of days ago and well I have added about 1.3Ibs (0.6kg), but that shouldn’t be so visible, right?
2. I am behaving pregnant. I can’t say about this, it’s for others to judge.
3. There is something about the way I look now that screams ‘preggos’! Maybe it’s just because with everything happening around me in the work front, I have aged, or am looking dull and moody than usual.
That said, if I didn’t know myself better, I would have thought also that I was pregnant yesterday. I came to work and immediately became grouchy and grumpy – complaining about things I should have gotten over with some time ago. I may have internalized more than I think and it is coming back to ‘hunt’ me. A colleague told me that my mood was a clear consequence of a hormone better known by it’s acronym, HGC (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is associated almost exclusively with pregnancy. So maybe I am pregnant and just don’t know it – if only I could ignore the fact that I knew I was pregnant when it was just a week old the last time, and my monthly biological clock is so right on time!
To cheer myself, I remembered the poem by the great Maya Angelou – STILL I Rise, which is relevant because it is talking about woman and womanhood.
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Maya Angelou
Don’t ask me why this rumor started. I have three hypotheses:
1. I have put on weight and look pregnant –I weighed myself a couple of days ago and well I have added about 1.3Ibs (0.6kg), but that shouldn’t be so visible, right?
2. I am behaving pregnant. I can’t say about this, it’s for others to judge.
3. There is something about the way I look now that screams ‘preggos’! Maybe it’s just because with everything happening around me in the work front, I have aged, or am looking dull and moody than usual.
That said, if I didn’t know myself better, I would have thought also that I was pregnant yesterday. I came to work and immediately became grouchy and grumpy – complaining about things I should have gotten over with some time ago. I may have internalized more than I think and it is coming back to ‘hunt’ me. A colleague told me that my mood was a clear consequence of a hormone better known by it’s acronym, HGC (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is associated almost exclusively with pregnancy. So maybe I am pregnant and just don’t know it – if only I could ignore the fact that I knew I was pregnant when it was just a week old the last time, and my monthly biological clock is so right on time!
To cheer myself, I remembered the poem by the great Maya Angelou – STILL I Rise, which is relevant because it is talking about woman and womanhood.
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Maya Angelou
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
What is your own ‘COCKROACH’?
Disclaimer: the usage of the term ‘cockroach’ and any spelling depicted the term, is in no way even remotely related to the condescending way it has been used by leaders in dictatorial regimes (the likes of George Rutaganda of Rwanda).
When we were young, and it continues to happen today, elders had a way of scaring us… they’ll tell us there is a ‘juju’ in the room if they don’t want us to go into the room, or anywhere else they want to scare us from. I personally think it is a terrible thing and I have stopped people from saying that to my child. It has worked so far because my son, who is 30months old, does not know what is called ‘juju’. However, he has autonomously developed his own attitude about avoiding certain places at certain times by telling you there are cockroaches there.
This is how it came about – sometime last year, I had an invasion of roaches in my house. My son noticed that I hated them and will always spray insecticides around the area where they were. So when he sees them, he runs to me and says ‘Mama, kowé’ pointing in their direction. Eventually he improved his pronunciation to ‘kokroch’ and started using it to refer to any animal he saw, big or small – dog, ant, birds, gecko, etc. As he grew older and could recognize different animals and knew their names, he has now narrowed down that appellation to creeping insects that look like roaches. This is the background, back to the object of my article.
Unlike the ‘juju’ bit which was fear instilled by adults on kids, my son’s use of ‘kokroch’ as a deterrent was solely developed by him. He is very choosy in the use of that deterrent, using it manipulatively only to his advantage. When it’s dark, if you ask him to go to the room and wear his slippers, he says ‘kokroch’; but if you ask him to go and get a gummy candy from that same room, he runs and gets it totally forgetting ‘kokroch’.
What are the ‘jujus’ and the ‘cockroaches’ in our lives? Have circumstances and people instilled some form of fear in us, or have we developed our own fears that deter us from fully achieving the things we could otherwise? I’ll do this exercise, and recommend you do same… think of all the deterrents in your life, be they things, people, situations, places, ideas, beliefs, etc and analyze each of them and what they represent to you. Are they simply excuses you make to keep yourself in a particular situation, or to feel better about yourself, or are they real fears… were they developed by you, or instilled by others in you? How can you move past them and recognize them for what they really are – simply fears?
“Fear not, for I am with you” (Isa 41:10) so says the Lord of Host!
When we were young, and it continues to happen today, elders had a way of scaring us… they’ll tell us there is a ‘juju’ in the room if they don’t want us to go into the room, or anywhere else they want to scare us from. I personally think it is a terrible thing and I have stopped people from saying that to my child. It has worked so far because my son, who is 30months old, does not know what is called ‘juju’. However, he has autonomously developed his own attitude about avoiding certain places at certain times by telling you there are cockroaches there.
This is how it came about – sometime last year, I had an invasion of roaches in my house. My son noticed that I hated them and will always spray insecticides around the area where they were. So when he sees them, he runs to me and says ‘Mama, kowé’ pointing in their direction. Eventually he improved his pronunciation to ‘kokroch’ and started using it to refer to any animal he saw, big or small – dog, ant, birds, gecko, etc. As he grew older and could recognize different animals and knew their names, he has now narrowed down that appellation to creeping insects that look like roaches. This is the background, back to the object of my article.
Unlike the ‘juju’ bit which was fear instilled by adults on kids, my son’s use of ‘kokroch’ as a deterrent was solely developed by him. He is very choosy in the use of that deterrent, using it manipulatively only to his advantage. When it’s dark, if you ask him to go to the room and wear his slippers, he says ‘kokroch’; but if you ask him to go and get a gummy candy from that same room, he runs and gets it totally forgetting ‘kokroch’.
What are the ‘jujus’ and the ‘cockroaches’ in our lives? Have circumstances and people instilled some form of fear in us, or have we developed our own fears that deter us from fully achieving the things we could otherwise? I’ll do this exercise, and recommend you do same… think of all the deterrents in your life, be they things, people, situations, places, ideas, beliefs, etc and analyze each of them and what they represent to you. Are they simply excuses you make to keep yourself in a particular situation, or to feel better about yourself, or are they real fears… were they developed by you, or instilled by others in you? How can you move past them and recognize them for what they really are – simply fears?
“Fear not, for I am with you” (Isa 41:10) so says the Lord of Host!
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