These past couple of days my mind has been reeling the film of memories of my ageing… maturity journey. It’s a little confusing to me, it’s not a perfect graph and the pencil is still in action, drawing strokes, sometimes discontinuous. There are gaps in my memory because my brain compartmentalizes a lot, and there is a recycle compartment as well as ‘permanently deleted’ section. I used to be that student who forgets the names of their mates during the 2.5 months of summer break, and it has gotten worse with age. But I digressed, let me stick to this ageing/maturity dichotomy.
I loved my twenties… the freedom, the growth, the new experiences
and a lot of first times. The first part of that decade for me was very memorable.
I graduated from university, engaged in service learning and volunteering for
random things like typing out the manuscript of someone’s memoir and establishing
administrative documents and procedures for a catholic secondary school, had a
couple of temporal jobs and then got a full-time employment. On the growth side,
I had a major heartbreak, and even as significant as this seemed, I’ll not indulge
it any further. My late twenties was a time of making and building friendships,
meaningful, respectful and lasting relationships. It was the craziest period of
my life because I was experiencing life from different, sometimes conflicting
angles at the same time – being the incarnate professional; exploring almost all
the cabarets and nightclubs in Yaounde, Douala and Limbe; holding firm to my
faith and being religious somewhat; bought two cars in the same year even
before obtaining a driver’s license (please do not ask me what happened to the
other car if you remember seeing me with just one car. That memory has been
recycled); met and fell in love with someone I knew little about and then
eventually we got married. My job permitted me to travel and meet so many great
minds, as well as develop my skills in many aspects and eventually started
training others in leadership and communication… oh did I mention I relocated
and took up a job in another country that involved even more travel?
My thirties started with pregnancy, then the most awesome
gift I have ever received… my son was born. That to me is the single most important
blessing. I had a new job and then the rest of my early thirties is a little
blurry. My mid to late thirties were the most materially blessed years. We (my spouse
and I) built a house, a home that had almost all the specs of my dream house given
the environment and circumstances. This period also allowed me to gain new insights
into Christianity and really start to define myself within the Christendom. I
also reinstated my younger cousin who had been carried away by the wiles of
life and she eventually had her A/Levels and a professional certificate; and
then I had myomectomy and laparoscopy. I also had a lot of growth opportunities
and reflections into self. In my mid-thirties, I wondered a lot why I couldn’t
bring myself to say the things I really wanted to say (I might have mentioned
this in a previous blog article). I stayed a lot in my head space, and it
fatigued me because I was always hesitating to express myself. Sometimes I lied
to myself that I don’t want to hurt the other person, but then subjected myself
to psychological torture because I knew I should have said something but didn’t.
In my last one year or so of the decade, I became more expressive and continued
to develop that skill. Furthermore, I became more in touch with some expertise
I had like being able to negotiate a truce between people without getting
emotionally invested or causing more frustration on the part of the concerned. People
also saw in me a confidant and very rational individual. But in some areas, I
felt I wasn’t trusted by some people who really mattered to me and sometimes
had to deal with prolonged months of passive hostility aka angered silence,
with no idea of what I could have done wrong. This brought me to a space of
deeper understanding, where I learned to focus on what I can control and not
worry about what I can’t.
In my forties (Yes, I am in that decade already, have been
in for a minute now but can speak to it), I continue to grow in areas I can
control – my response to situations, my use of words trying hard to be
understood (for I believe a word comes alive when it’s said), asking for
forgiveness even when I think I should be at the receiving end. I seek to stay
on target – happiness - and peace brings happiness. To me forgiveness has to be
complete with the ‘forget’… not in erasing memories but in not revisiting that ‘story’
in a spiteful way. That seems hard, and I don’t successfully implement that sometimes.
Another interesting aspect is that forgiveness benefits more the seeker than it
does the recipient. Misunderstandings are common and most times everyone thinks
they are right – and they may be, based on the angle from which they are analyzing.
I isolate my responsibility in enabling a situation, name it (if it’s clear to
me) and ask for forgiveness. Whether it is well received, or whether that means
the entire blame is placed on me, or again whether my forgiveness request is
seen as admission of guilt, is really not my concern. I am more concerned with
liberating myself by asking for forgiveness and making sure that I’m heard. It is
hard at times but gets easier with time. This pulls every thread of humility
from my spine- sometimes it actually leaves me feeling lame and incapacitated
but trust me I get over the issue faster than I would have the effects of an
unresolved situation.
What I love most about entering this new decade is choice –
now I don’t feel constricted in expressing myself, I feel like I have a choice
to express myself anyway I want. I maintain a very high level of decorum when
talking, but I say what I want to say and I’m not apologetic for my thoughts. This
feeling of having a choice to how much restrain I want to muster has helped me
most in my professional life where sometimes we are confronted with situations
where the truth makes a lot of people uncomfortable but there are huge
consequences to concealing the truth – so finding the balance in a way that
brings people to understand, even though they are uncomfortable with what you
are saying. People who thought I was assertive in my twenties ought to see me
now, hahahaha. Finally, I choose my battles carefully, being guided by the
potential impact of engaging in a battle, considerations of what I can control
and the emotional space I’m in at that time.
I am looking forward to healthier and meaningful
relationships, being understood and being forgiven. I am even more focused on
having a happier life, with a lot of selfcare and looking great according to my
standards (I have recently cut my hair and some people think this is counter
great looks, but I said MY standards). I have a lot of love, care and joy
elements to give and also giving underprivileged people the opportunity to develop
their skills/education. God bless you and thank you for not judging me based on
this write-up (although sincerely it really doesn’t matter to me whether you
do). My desire is that this inspires you to reflect and see how much you have
matured as you are aging and make amends that are God-approved and bring you shalom
peace and happiness.
