Why haven’t I written for so long when I have such wonderful
thoughts to share? Why do I give in to excuses – ‘I’m tired’; ‘I’ll write later’;
…? Or maybe I’m scared by my very own thoughts?
I want to write about how my son’s personality is so
independent, how I learn so much from him about living with no limits and not
being embarrassed by the craziness of my thoughts and not having to apologize
for being me.
My entire life I always desired to ‘be me’, and in a way I guess I always have been because like
my son (funny how I’m comparing myself to him and not the other way round) I grew
up with a mind of my own. Mind! Most of the time my thoughts were unadulterated
– for example I wasn’t one to be influenced by friends and I rarely ever was
the average of my friends. I was me.
Many people tell me they admire my freewill and independence
– and it’s been hard to fully accept the praises because I knew something was
off – a disconnect between my thoughts and my actions.
I’m sure if my friends read this they’ll think I’m
under-rating myself, but I know I possess far more than they ever see or hear. They
don’t know the internal struggles I’m having with myself – the longing of
translating ‘being’ myself to ‘doing’
myself.
‘Doing’ myself is my new internal voice (maybe not new… but
let’s just assume it is) – it is more than just having an independent ‘mind’ to
actually saying and doing what is good for me. This seems nuanced but stop and
think – there is a separation line as thick as dreaming and living a dream. Am I
losing you?
If you are like me there are those moments when you wish you
said exactly what you were thinking instead of that diplomatic answer you gave;
wish you persevered on an idea you had – how different the outcome would have
been!
I strive for honesty, and if you’ve been reading my articles
and know me, you’ll know I’ve been doing an okay job. Now I want to give more meaning
to the honesty by saying and doing what my mind is saying. I’m guessing you’ll
be reading more about this in future blogs.
But this is not a process for the feeble minded. I’ve come a
long way, I’ve worked on my mind… my thoughts… and I’m still on that journey. I’m
at a point where my mind has been cultured in a way that I can trust my mind
enough to take the risk… are you?
