Age or Maturity… or a Combo

These past couple of days my mind has been reeling the film of memories of my ageing… maturity journey. It’s a little confusing to me, it’s not a perfect graph and the pencil is still in action, drawing strokes, sometimes discontinuous. There are gaps in my memory because my brain compartmentalizes a lot, and there is a recycle compartment as well as ‘permanently deleted’ section. I used to be that student who forgets the names of their mates during the 2.5 months of summer break, and it has gotten worse with age. But I digressed, let me stick to this ageing/maturity dichotomy.

I loved my twenties… the freedom, the growth, the new experiences and a lot of first times. The first part of that decade for me was very memorable. I graduated from university, engaged in service learning and volunteering for random things like typing out the manuscript of someone’s memoir and establishing administrative documents and procedures for a catholic secondary school, had a couple of temporal jobs and then got a full-time employment. On the growth side, I had a major heartbreak, and even as significant as this seemed, I’ll not indulge it any further. My late twenties was a time of making and building friendships, meaningful, respectful and lasting relationships. It was the craziest period of my life because I was experiencing life from different, sometimes conflicting angles at the same time – being the incarnate professional; exploring almost all the cabarets and nightclubs in Yaounde, Douala and Limbe; holding firm to my faith and being religious somewhat; bought two cars in the same year even before obtaining a driver’s license (please do not ask me what happened to the other car if you remember seeing me with just one car. That memory has been recycled); met and fell in love with someone I knew little about and then eventually we got married. My job permitted me to travel and meet so many great minds, as well as develop my skills in many aspects and eventually started training others in leadership and communication… oh did I mention I relocated and took up a job in another country that involved even more travel?

My thirties started with pregnancy, then the most awesome gift I have ever received… my son was born. That to me is the single most important blessing. I had a new job and then the rest of my early thirties is a little blurry. My mid to late thirties were the most materially blessed years. We (my spouse and I) built a house, a home that had almost all the specs of my dream house given the environment and circumstances. This period also allowed me to gain new insights into Christianity and really start to define myself within the Christendom. I also reinstated my younger cousin who had been carried away by the wiles of life and she eventually had her A/Levels and a professional certificate; and then I had myomectomy and laparoscopy. I also had a lot of growth opportunities and reflections into self. In my mid-thirties, I wondered a lot why I couldn’t bring myself to say the things I really wanted to say (I might have mentioned this in a previous blog article). I stayed a lot in my head space, and it fatigued me because I was always hesitating to express myself. Sometimes I lied to myself that I don’t want to hurt the other person, but then subjected myself to psychological torture because I knew I should have said something but didn’t. In my last one year or so of the decade, I became more expressive and continued to develop that skill. Furthermore, I became more in touch with some expertise I had like being able to negotiate a truce between people without getting emotionally invested or causing more frustration on the part of the concerned. People also saw in me a confidant and very rational individual. But in some areas, I felt I wasn’t trusted by some people who really mattered to me and sometimes had to deal with prolonged months of passive hostility aka angered silence, with no idea of what I could have done wrong. This brought me to a space of deeper understanding, where I learned to focus on what I can control and not worry about what I can’t.

In my forties (Yes, I am in that decade already, have been in for a minute now but can speak to it), I continue to grow in areas I can control – my response to situations, my use of words trying hard to be understood (for I believe a word comes alive when it’s said), asking for forgiveness even when I think I should be at the receiving end. I seek to stay on target – happiness - and peace brings happiness. To me forgiveness has to be complete with the ‘forget’… not in erasing memories but in not revisiting that ‘story’ in a spiteful way. That seems hard, and I don’t successfully implement that sometimes. Another interesting aspect is that forgiveness benefits more the seeker than it does the recipient. Misunderstandings are common and most times everyone thinks they are right – and they may be, based on the angle from which they are analyzing. I isolate my responsibility in enabling a situation, name it (if it’s clear to me) and ask for forgiveness. Whether it is well received, or whether that means the entire blame is placed on me, or again whether my forgiveness request is seen as admission of guilt, is really not my concern. I am more concerned with liberating myself by asking for forgiveness and making sure that I’m heard. It is hard at times but gets easier with time. This pulls every thread of humility from my spine- sometimes it actually leaves me feeling lame and incapacitated but trust me I get over the issue faster than I would have the effects of an unresolved situation.

What I love most about entering this new decade is choice – now I don’t feel constricted in expressing myself, I feel like I have a choice to express myself anyway I want. I maintain a very high level of decorum when talking, but I say what I want to say and I’m not apologetic for my thoughts. This feeling of having a choice to how much restrain I want to muster has helped me most in my professional life where sometimes we are confronted with situations where the truth makes a lot of people uncomfortable but there are huge consequences to concealing the truth – so finding the balance in a way that brings people to understand, even though they are uncomfortable with what you are saying. People who thought I was assertive in my twenties ought to see me now, hahahaha. Finally, I choose my battles carefully, being guided by the potential impact of engaging in a battle, considerations of what I can control and the emotional space I’m in at that time.

I am looking forward to healthier and meaningful relationships, being understood and being forgiven. I am even more focused on having a happier life, with a lot of selfcare and looking great according to my standards (I have recently cut my hair and some people think this is counter great looks, but I said MY standards). I have a lot of love, care and joy elements to give and also giving underprivileged people the opportunity to develop their skills/education. God bless you and thank you for not judging me based on this write-up (although sincerely it really doesn’t matter to me whether you do). My desire is that this inspires you to reflect and see how much you have matured as you are aging and make amends that are God-approved and bring you shalom peace and happiness.

When dying is better…

Driving to work today and listening to news, there was a report of continuous killing of young men in the NE county of Mandera, Kenya, bordering Somalia. It was focused on a village that was burying their 47^th young man killed in 2016. The journalist was curious to know why young people still choose to travel to Mandera with the risk of being killed by terrorist and he was told by one interviewee that people go out there because they make more money in a day in Mandera than they would have in four months in their village. ‘When living takes the second seat’, I thought.

I know in one of my articles I wrote about living and being alive – it’s a recurrent comparison in my head I must have written about it. Anyway, that is not the point here. The point is people have been subjected to a state of depravity and desperation dying becomes more important than living. Immigration to Europe has become an EU problem – immigration through dangerous routes. People who have never seen a stream going across the sea; people who can’t imagine how wide the Sahara Desert is decide to attempt to traverse it into Europe, even on Camels; young girls with or without degrees scorn at articles about abuse of their kind in SE Asian countries and the Middle East and still stake their families’ wealth in order to travel to these places and join the others living in sub-human conditions.

Just like so many things happening in my country these days, there are a lot of situations you can’t understand unless you live them. How can the risk of dying be more important than life? Why do these young people go through all these, with good knowledge of the dangers in a-yonder? I’ve obviously never been in that state, never felt that way, but I know one thing – for me to live is Christ and to die is gain!

2 Corinth 3:17 – ‘Where the Lord is there is the Spirit and where there is the Spirit there is Freedom.’ Freedom will not make troubles go away, it will not put food on the table, but it will give life a meaning. If you find freedom in these dangerous adventures in search of daily bread, by all means forge ahead. If you find freedom in staying back in your village, you got my respect as well. Just be free! It is challenging to talk about these things to people who can’t even have bread for today, let alone think about bread for tomorrow… to whom posterity is like trying to reach the horizon… but the Word of God is real for everyone in every circumstance – trust God, the God who opened the heavens and rained down manna to a people who were already complaining and losing trust. Shalom Peace has nothing to do with physical peace, just sleep through the turmoil. Jesus slept through a storm that threatened their boat. I’m not saying all will be dandy and cool, but things will be better.

My heart bleeds at these news reports, it’s sad and it’s real. The future is dying in search of better lives. God created this world with enough for everyone but greed has eaten up the very core of humanity. While others live lavishly, their neighbors are dying in search of better lives. God’s ultimate command is the solution to the world’s problems – ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ – Love yourself, dying can’t be better than life, unless it is dying in gain because you lived in Christ. To the rest of the world Love Everyone!

Shalom!

Desire is… not all

Does this seem like a total 180 from my last post? Not actually. I mentioned I desired something so badly and I’ll let you know when I got it – well, here’s a spoiler… I didn’t get it!

I have just traversed the most challenging time in my professional life, a situation I thought I’ll have a grip over when it happened, but boy was I so wrong. I had desired something, wanted it so desperately I went out of character to get it, but all that energy didn’t hold at the end. I thought I had failed myself, thought the whole world can’t understand me and are too blind to see, etc. I have never been more in touch with my emotions, and never expressed myself quite like that before. People always tell me I am very composed and calm even in difficult situations – oh well that was put to the test. I seemed composed and calm but there was this raging wavy sea inside of me that I wanted to explode, or implode. I was so angry, and for more than a month was pondering about how easy it is to encourage others in difficult situations but you can’t apply those encouraging words when you are the one in a situation. All the stuff about: ‘when a window closes, another one opens’; ‘light at the end of the tunnel’; ‘everything works for good’; ‘God knows why’; etc., did not work at consoling me. Each time someone said that, I felt like punching them. From where I was standing, I couldn’t see that light at the end; that purpose; the good to that situation; the doors that were opening, and so on. All my thought was geared towards giving myself time to ‘heal’, I didn’t want to accelerate the process – I was letting time to time. It wasn’t until last Wed, that was about a month and half from the situation, that I felt like I could talk about the situation without feeling bitter or remorseful, and I felt then I could actually write this article. Then on Friday, I had a huge reality check…

On Friday I met my dear friend, mentor, God-fearing and one of the kindest human beings I have ever known. We were discussing over lunch and I told him what I had gone through. He stared at me straight in my face until I finished my narrative, and he told me the Truth. He asked if I was a child of God – yes of course (now I’m thinking, where is he going with this). I started defending immediately about how I know everything happens for the good to them that love God, etc. but then how I couldn’t see that when I had the situation. He let me blab on for a while and he asked/told me:

 “why do you fight over a small ‘thing’ like that when God has bigger ‘things’ for you?”

“The person who wanted that thing is that person you created, not you”

“A child of God doesn’t compete, they just get what God has made for them…”

He went on and on, pricking my conscience and the God-man in me, challenging me with the Word, and making me see how ridiculous I had felt and behaved in that situation and in the aftermath. He reminded me of who I am in God’s eye, and that I shouldn’t belittle that. He diagnosed my issue to the fact that I have been ‘spoilt’ by God and that I needed that experience – although I didn’t need to feel and act the way I felt and acted after it happened. He counted my blessings, something I couldn’t bring myself to do in the crossover service of Dec 31 2014, and asked me how ungrateful I can be being stuck because one thing didn’t work the way I wanted. As you could imagine, he told me things I can’t mention here, he told me THE TRUTH and called me out on my stupidity. Some of the things he said I can’t mention here because they were so deep I am still meditating on them and asking God to inspire me and enlighten me to see the purpose of the Words He said through my friend and how I can apply them to make me a better God-person. God is great!

I am not yet ‘there’, but I am working on it. God has challenged me to return to the place He had taken me to, and I intend to go back there and grow spiritually. My experience challenges Napoleon Hill’s definition of desire. Desire does not transcend everything, no matter how keen and pulsating it is – the love of God does. We need to buffer desire (which has no heart) with the love of God (which is God’s heart). This is my point of view and I am solely responsible for every word in this article.

This article is dedicated to my friend, Mr Tambe. Thank you and I love you sincerely. Not many people have the courage to look me in my eyes and tell me the truth without judging me or condemning me. I’m still contemplating some of the deeper things you told me, but I know with the Love of God, I will come to understand them and be a better me. First of all, I need to regain the level of confidence I had in myself before this situation, and then grow from there. Shalom!

Anger cannot rule my world!

It’s the last day of May and I am so on the fence with respect to dates with my blog articles. Guess my thoughts are on the fence as well. As I had mentioned earlier, I won’t write an item just for the sake of writing or of meeting my ‘at least once a month’ target, my higher calling is to write something that comes from deep within…

This morning while preparing for work, I remembered my teenage years, not the good aspects from that era (albeit there were so many!) but the few memories that bring sadness to my mind. Generally I was a very happy kid growing up, so full of life, but very determined and strong will, which came across in a myriad of ways – some good as in my academic work, friendships; some not so good as in doing what I wanted even if the rest of the world thought otherwise. Thinking about all those things inspired me to write an article that may be useful to others. I got to the office, opened my favorite devotional and the Word, logos, just became the rhema to me this day. Such a coincidence!

 
When I was growing up, I used to have serious feats of anger, some that lasted a month and beyond. What was amazing was that my anger was limited only to my parents and siblings, not friends nor classmates. I remember at one time not talking in the house for a month because I felt betrayed by one of my sisters and was punished as a consequence of that. I practically stopped eating in the house even after my punishment was lifted (because the punishment I received included refusal of food even though I had to clean the dishes when others had eaten – how cruel is that!). At another time, I was falsely accused of being seen somewhere I had never been to – I am still awed by that accusation up to date. So many false accusations were coming my way from time to time that fed the anger in me and I just had this constant burning deep within, wishing the people close to me understood who I really was and what values I had all the time. I am sure they did, but like most parents and siblings, they preferred to err on the side of caution. But at that age, all I saw was that I wasn’t understood and loved enough. I showed my dissatisfaction in many ways like refusing to eat, keeping to myself, not talking about my progress in school, and above all carrying a ‘long face’ around the house. Just to clarify a thing, it’s not like I wasn’t understood by every sibling and parent most of the time, on the contrary I felt real love most of the time, but then every incidence of misunderstanding really had great impacts on me.

Some of my siblings were always on my side. They reacted differently when they knew I was angry, some passive, some more actively like talking to the person who caused the situation. Above everyone else, there is one who totally understood me and what I was going through – my eldest brother. He was, and still is, my role model. The surprising thing is that he was out of the country during that period, but we still found means of ‘talking’ to each other – me telling him things that happen and him advising and encouraging me. He kept on telling me to control my anger, not to take negative comments too seriously and ignore situations that would lead to me being misunderstood. His letters and cards were almost the best things that happened to me when I was angry (I’ll try to get some of the ones I can still find and do an article – I promise). His words were so comforting, and it really felt good to know someone loved me unconditionally, and did not judge me too harshly. Despite all his advice, I still carried my anger to the university. I psychologically pulled myself away from what people thought of me, and could care less if the world around me was burning, so long as I didn’t start the fire and I’m not burnt with the rest of the world. I even completely disengaged myself from things happening in the family if I wasn’t directly involved. When my sisters were showing me tough love, my brother was just so loving. But then, is a brother’s unconditional love enough to get one out of a bad habit? My rhema for today gives a succinct answer…

Philippians 2:13: “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”

When I was in the third year in University, I decided to not let ANYTHING get me to the point of being angry for long. Here’s a word from my devotional

“Have you ever tried to break a bad habit on your own? You probably found that when you tried to stop it by sheer willpower, you saw improvement for a while, and then bounced back to square one. Worse, you found yourself binging on the very thing that you were trying not to do. And your condition is worse than before you started your “I’m going to quit” program!” (New Creation Church/Joseph Prince Daily Devotional of May 30 2012).
I tried hard but I wasn’t getting as much success as the effort I was putting in. The changes were temporary because it was me doing it. And then the Word of the Lord hit me –
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (NIV, Eph 4:26).
I realized I had been focusing on the first part of the verse as consolation, rewarding myself for not insulting offenders. However, of all human emotion, anger has been known to be one of the most destructive. So how can I live with anger and not sin?
"Anger tends to evil" (Ps 37:8) and it "stirs up strife" (Prov 15:18; 29:22; 30:33).
OK then God, I am but human, given to anger at times, but how do I get out of it controlling my life? How do I stop being angry with someone when the person does not feel like they were wrong? How do I free myself from the bondage of anger? Tough questions but God being faithful gave me answers in the way he transformed me by Grace.

I read and re-read verses about anger in the Bible, the consequences of anger, and what God thinks about anger. I prayed and prayed and opened up to God about this canker worm and that I was helpless, I needed His intervention. He inspired me with mantras like: “ life is too short for me to be angry” “nobody deserves my anger”, etc. I kept his Word hidden in my heart, and before I knew it I was totally out of the loop. Alleluia! I was set free of the bondage of anger! Each time I realized a situation was getting steamy, I walked away or bit my tongue, or chuckled and then it’s history. I still get angry from time to time, but that is in extreme circumstances, but most importantly I don’t let the sun go down on my anger – most of the time.

If you are reading this blog and are in any type of emotional bondage, know that only God can take you out of that situation. Inspirational and anger management books, movies dealing with that topic, friends and relatives can ease the situation temporarily, but only God can bring you out of it permanently. And do not let what others do affect you in a way that evokes that emotion; know that the only thing you can control is how you act or react towards circumstances, and not how others do. Today, I am a very happy woman, not giving in to people’s whims and caprices. People who knew me in my adult life will probably be shocked if they read this (thank goodness they won’t!) because they cannot believe I was ever given in to anger (except my hubby, of course) – they know I am assertive and honest in the way I feel, but ‘angry’ is not a word they’ll use to describe me. Sounds presumptuous? Go ask them! God bless you!

Grace, not Anxiety!

I like to write about self-development, be it spiritual, moral, physical, economic, social... It is important to me because that is the overall goal or purpose of our existence. I am just off the phone with my hubby and as I was informing him that my mom had just retired, a flash bulb lit up in my head. Why do we get into a state of uncertainty when we or ours are about to move on to another stage in their existence? Shouldn’t we just roll on with those changes as if they are expected and already taken care of? Do we get surprised at the arrival of dusk or the dawn of day? Albeit some of us do!

God has given us all that we need to get us to a point where we take changes as normal phases in life… He has told us not to be anxious about anything (Philippines 4:6). Isn’t He still God? Have our anxieties changed Him? ‘He knew us before we were conceived’ (Jeremiah 1:5)– doesn’t that count for something… for everything? Don’t we trust Him when He says ‘I know the plans I have for you…(Jeremiah 29:11)?’ Like little kids (Matthew 18:3), He asked us to become. My son shows me exactly what Jesus meant when he said this. My son is at the curious age, he wants to feel everything, press every button, etc. He loves switching off the TV among many other exploits that adults may find irritating. When he does that 3 times, I send him to the room for a few minutes. He stays there alone, cries and bangs at the door. After 5 minutes, I open the door and he immediately stops crying, starts laughing (one of the treasures he got from me) and runs into my arms. He celebrates this freedom and doesn’t blame me. I am just human, tons of deleted wrongs on my record… he is just my son, oblivious of the stresses of life… what more of the infallible, ever true Jehovah Shammah?

Before conception, our parents get anxious about wanting a child, and then we are conceived and birthed and they start worrying about germs, eating habits, safety, etc. We develop into tots and they get anxious about our education, morals, future… and these anxieties don’t go away when we start school. In fact they increase. And then we become teens and they worry about relationships, waywardness, attitudes, … We become adults and take over most of the worrying… job, marriage, family, deceptions, love, accommodation, … We get married, and start worrying about fidelity, sustainability of the marriage, tolerance… With children, we start having same anxieties as our parents had with us. Then while working we worry about job security, salaries, retirement… I can’t remember God saying He created us to be worried about moving from one developmental stage to another. But then we are just humans!

That is not excuse enough, being humans! Jesus proved to us that we can live anxiety-free lives by His everyday actions. Remember the fishermen at sea who had no catch? Remember the crowd with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fishes? Is there any account of Jesus getting worried? Not even when the soldiers came to arrest Him did He show any signs of being stressed up. He trusted His Father and believed that the burden was not His to bear but God’s. Why is it so difficult, almost impossible, for us to live anxiety-free lives? Why am I obsessed with thoughts about how my mom’s life will change now she is on retirement, about my son’s safety, about staying away from my son…? Tough one because trust me I am not different from most people. I even worry about dusk coming too soon 

I have come to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of Grace! Grace is what is takes to totally surrender all to God, not our efforts, not our good deeds, not how much we know… just un-merited favour – God’s Grace. Through Grace, God has already taken care of everything so we need not worry, because He knows even before we ask (Matthew 6:8). We don’t have to work to earn His Grace, it’s free! Just claim it and it will come to light in your life. My prayer for 2012 is that God should teach me more about Grace, open my eyes to see the application of Grace in my life, and share this great gift with as many people as possible. God bless you!

Turn to...

During those times when I am feeling low

I turn to Jesus!

When I feel the people who matter are no longer there for me

I turn to Jesus!

When I am tired and not in the mood to talk to anyone

I talk to Jesus

I can go on and on.

Unless you come into the realm of God's Glory through Salvation by Grace through Faith in Christ Jesus, you will think I am being stupid. The Bible says the Word of God is foolish to him who does not know God. I prefer to be stupid to the world and intelligent in the presence of the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Blessed among the blessed.

Friends, have you thought of giving your life to God? He is there for you always... but life is too short! Take that step of faith, and let the Lord guide you.

He loves you

Jesus loves you

Turn to Jesus!