Friday Sept 18, 2015 or Is it?

Friday 13^th is a myth! Friday 18 Sept 2015 has been real. I decided to blog this because my niece, Joy, says I am a drama queen. When I narrate things that happen to me, she says it happens to everyone, they just don’t narrate it like I do. I love her, but I think she is wrong – I think I am unique going through unique experiences.

Today, I left the house around 6:50am, which normally should be a more or less smooth ride across town at that time. Alas, as I was approaching the hill to Quartier General, I noticed the queue of vehicles and took a decision I thought was smart – go through Cradat, then Chateau, Emia and then into town. Easy ride to Cradat, then the traffic begins. With a stick shift on a hill with an almost still traffic, that is a nightmare. I eventually meander my way through traffic and secondary roads and decided to park until the traffic started moving. That was at 7:20, a distance I would normally cover in 7mins had taken me 30. I called my husband and he says he’ll bring the other car, which thank goodness is an automatic drive. He eventually arrives a few minutes after 8am, and gave me the car. 300m later I feel a jolt to the right, and there is this small-ish blue car resting against mine. The driver, a lady came out asking me ‘tu es pressé pour aller où? I stared at her, dumbfounded by her defensive attitude since clearly she had cut infront of me illegally with no warning. I told her to check out the position of her car. She told me ‘mais tu m’as cogné par derrière’. At that point I just stared at her and I knew she was trying hard not to look like the guilty party that she was… This stupid notion of driving in Cameroon where someone cuts sharply in front of you and their rear gets your fender and they scream that you hit them from behind… God bless my soul!

I get to the office at 8:40, and realized my husband forgot his keys in the car and he was going back home. I had to go back home and give him the keys and then came back to the office. Murphy was right: “if something has to go wrong, it will”

Does this happen to everyone?

Desire is… not all

Does this seem like a total 180 from my last post? Not actually. I mentioned I desired something so badly and I’ll let you know when I got it – well, here’s a spoiler… I didn’t get it!

I have just traversed the most challenging time in my professional life, a situation I thought I’ll have a grip over when it happened, but boy was I so wrong. I had desired something, wanted it so desperately I went out of character to get it, but all that energy didn’t hold at the end. I thought I had failed myself, thought the whole world can’t understand me and are too blind to see, etc. I have never been more in touch with my emotions, and never expressed myself quite like that before. People always tell me I am very composed and calm even in difficult situations – oh well that was put to the test. I seemed composed and calm but there was this raging wavy sea inside of me that I wanted to explode, or implode. I was so angry, and for more than a month was pondering about how easy it is to encourage others in difficult situations but you can’t apply those encouraging words when you are the one in a situation. All the stuff about: ‘when a window closes, another one opens’; ‘light at the end of the tunnel’; ‘everything works for good’; ‘God knows why’; etc., did not work at consoling me. Each time someone said that, I felt like punching them. From where I was standing, I couldn’t see that light at the end; that purpose; the good to that situation; the doors that were opening, and so on. All my thought was geared towards giving myself time to ‘heal’, I didn’t want to accelerate the process – I was letting time to time. It wasn’t until last Wed, that was about a month and half from the situation, that I felt like I could talk about the situation without feeling bitter or remorseful, and I felt then I could actually write this article. Then on Friday, I had a huge reality check…

On Friday I met my dear friend, mentor, God-fearing and one of the kindest human beings I have ever known. We were discussing over lunch and I told him what I had gone through. He stared at me straight in my face until I finished my narrative, and he told me the Truth. He asked if I was a child of God – yes of course (now I’m thinking, where is he going with this). I started defending immediately about how I know everything happens for the good to them that love God, etc. but then how I couldn’t see that when I had the situation. He let me blab on for a while and he asked/told me:

 “why do you fight over a small ‘thing’ like that when God has bigger ‘things’ for you?”

“The person who wanted that thing is that person you created, not you”

“A child of God doesn’t compete, they just get what God has made for them…”

He went on and on, pricking my conscience and the God-man in me, challenging me with the Word, and making me see how ridiculous I had felt and behaved in that situation and in the aftermath. He reminded me of who I am in God’s eye, and that I shouldn’t belittle that. He diagnosed my issue to the fact that I have been ‘spoilt’ by God and that I needed that experience – although I didn’t need to feel and act the way I felt and acted after it happened. He counted my blessings, something I couldn’t bring myself to do in the crossover service of Dec 31 2014, and asked me how ungrateful I can be being stuck because one thing didn’t work the way I wanted. As you could imagine, he told me things I can’t mention here, he told me THE TRUTH and called me out on my stupidity. Some of the things he said I can’t mention here because they were so deep I am still meditating on them and asking God to inspire me and enlighten me to see the purpose of the Words He said through my friend and how I can apply them to make me a better God-person. God is great!

I am not yet ‘there’, but I am working on it. God has challenged me to return to the place He had taken me to, and I intend to go back there and grow spiritually. My experience challenges Napoleon Hill’s definition of desire. Desire does not transcend everything, no matter how keen and pulsating it is – the love of God does. We need to buffer desire (which has no heart) with the love of God (which is God’s heart). This is my point of view and I am solely responsible for every word in this article.

This article is dedicated to my friend, Mr Tambe. Thank you and I love you sincerely. Not many people have the courage to look me in my eyes and tell me the truth without judging me or condemning me. I’m still contemplating some of the deeper things you told me, but I know with the Love of God, I will come to understand them and be a better me. First of all, I need to regain the level of confidence I had in myself before this situation, and then grow from there. Shalom!

Desire is...

That is my profile for this month – Desire is… I was inspired by words written by my beloved brother, my mentor, on his profile on a social media page. He wrote: DESIRE IS THE STARTING POINT OF SUCCESS. The first thing that will contribute to reaching your goal is that you simply want to reach it badly enough. You must learn how to desire with sufficient intensity to be successful. Although these words inspire me, I haven’t had time to digest them. I have been hanging on to my initial thoughts, hoping by writing this blog article I will have further insight into those words. Individual words/combinations jump out at me – 1- starting point; 2- contribute; 3- goal; 4- badly enough; 5- sufficient intensity; 6- successful.

1-     ‘Starting point’ is where a journey begins. Imagine a race, the starting point is the point at which the change in velocity is highest because the runner is moving from a zero speed to some speed. It is an essential point in any journey because it sets the pace of the rest of the journey. It is you picking up that first book that will eventually lead you to a degree 18 years later; making that first step towards a girl you admire who will eventually be the woman besides you when you are 80; it is picking up your pen to write that letter of motivation that will eventually set you up for the position of CEO… It is deliberate, focused and purposeful.

2-     ‘Contribute’ means something is adding its effect on something else to produce a result. It is not just the energy that the runner puts into his/her first step – there is floor resistance, traction, and other factors that come together to make a good starting point. In as much as you may count on your ability to sell yourself at a job interview, remember the interviewer may be wondering why you are wearing a yellow tie over a grey shirt.

3-     What’s the point of starting anything if you don’t have a ‘goal’ in mind? The goal is the result of efforts and contributing elements and their impact. It is hardly ever objective, because it is framed in our individual minds and will not necessarily be the same conclusion another person may want given the same circumstances.

4-     ‘Badly enough’ is a metaphorically expression of strong yearning – it is desperation at its extreme, for something or a goal you have set for yourself. This again is subjective, how ‘bad’ is badly enough? What are your measuring units to that craving? Does it reach a state of extreme deprivation that you feel your life depends on it and you can’t go on, literally, if you don’t get it?

5-     Who determines the sufficiency of ‘intensity’? Simply put – where is that point where energy and other contributing factors propel you to your goal?

6-     Does reaching your goal mean you are ‘successful’? Is success ultimate or stratified? Can you quantify or qualify success?

I have mentioned in previous articles things get done in my life before the deadlines I set for myself, most often with less effort and lesser contributing factors that I envisaged at the starting point. Does that reflect how much I desired those things? Did I desire with sufficient intensity and wanted it so badly that forces of nature combined with spiritual forces thrust me to my goal at a speed faster than the change in velocity at my starting point? Is this what is called luck? Then I have had more lucks than I deserve. Were those my 15 minutes of charm? Then 15 minutes in H Jackson Brown Jr’s world is like 15 years in mine.

‘You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something’ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It must have been DESIRE –

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” Napoleon Hill

There is one thing I desire this month, I’ll let you know when I get it.

Whose Expectations?

Have you ever been told, literally, by someone you love and care for that your relationship is not meeting their expectation? Well, I have and it hurts!

In any relationship, people have expectations as individuals, even though sometimes those expectations are never expressed, they are there hidden somewhere inside. Isn’t that the reason why some relationships fall apart, because the other person does not meet the expectation of the other? We are all egoistic, but at different levels. In the ideal world, when people get together in relationships or teams or workgroups, what should carry the day is the ‘compromised’ expectation of that relationship -‘compromised’ because it is some form of combination of the individuals’ expectations. There are always trade-offs, you lose some of your individualism in order to make the whole (group, relationship, etc.) better.

So what does it mean when your partner, team member, group member, etc. tells you that you are not meeting their (individual) expectations? It means among many interpretations, that there are fault lines in that relationship. But which relationship doesn’t have fault lines, you may ask. None, I daresay. However, we should be careful the way we relay a thought or a feeling… saying your partner does not meet your expectation is too prideful and self-conceited. Whatever happened to group expectation?

I’m not trying any form of self-gratification or atonement… nay! Writing is my outlet, earthly harbor of my secret thoughts. As I have written often, I take sole responsibility of every word I write. Back to my narrative – it is said in team building that the team takes joint responsibility for success and for failure. Why then do people single themselves out as the ones who have always made all the effort and have never faltered, and even when seemingly they derail, it is because of the action of another person, who then has to take all the blame? It’s like communication, it is a two way process, I absolutely do not see how a breakdown in communication is entirely caused by one person, except of course the other person is an object.

Scattered thoughts – I’m sure you don’t understand my rambling. I feel so hurt, I can’t even think straight. I’m trying to go about life as if everything is ok, but there is a limit to how much I can take and consider normal. For the sake of peace, I’m waving the white flag, the ‘nkeng’ (peace plant). It will not take anything from who I am, it may require some extra energy which I am sure I can muster, but I hope it’ll bring peace – real peace. Shalom!

Pregnant Again!

For some unknown reason, people around me seem to KNOW I am pregnant, and they are telling me so matter of fact-ly. And for some unknown reason, there has been a lot of talk of pregnancy around me. Truth be told, I am not denying any statement insinuating I am preggo to the people saying it, so I suppose I am nourishing the rumor. I’m also guilty of benefitting from a couple of favors because the other person thought I was preggo.


Don’t ask me why this rumor started. I have three hypotheses:

1. I have put on weight and look pregnant –I weighed myself a couple of days ago and well I have added about 1.3Ibs (0.6kg), but that shouldn’t be so visible, right?

2. I am behaving pregnant. I can’t say about this, it’s for others to judge.

3. There is something about the way I look now that screams ‘preggos’! Maybe it’s just because with everything happening around me in the work front, I have aged, or am looking dull and moody than usual.

That said, if I didn’t know myself better, I would have thought also that I was pregnant yesterday. I came to work and immediately became grouchy and grumpy – complaining about things I should have gotten over with some time ago. I may have internalized more than I think and it is coming back to ‘hunt’ me. A colleague told me that my mood was a clear consequence of a hormone better known by it’s acronym, HGC (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is associated almost exclusively with pregnancy. So maybe I am pregnant and just don’t know it – if only I could ignore the fact that I knew I was pregnant when it was just a week old the last time, and my monthly biological clock is so right on time!

To cheer myself, I remembered the poem by the great Maya Angelou – STILL I Rise, which is relevant because it is talking about woman and womanhood.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.


Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.


Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.


Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.



Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.


You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.


Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?


Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.


I rise

I rise

I rise.

Maya Angelou

What is your own ‘COCKROACH’?

Disclaimer: the usage of the term ‘cockroach’ and any spelling depicted the term, is in no way even remotely related to the condescending way it has been used by leaders in dictatorial regimes (the likes of George Rutaganda of Rwanda).


When we were young, and it continues to happen today, elders had a way of scaring us… they’ll tell us there is a ‘juju’ in the room if they don’t want us to go into the room, or anywhere else they want to scare us from. I personally think it is a terrible thing and I have stopped people from saying that to my child. It has worked so far because my son, who is 30months old, does not know what is called ‘juju’. However, he has autonomously developed his own attitude about avoiding certain places at certain times by telling you there are cockroaches there.

This is how it came about – sometime last year, I had an invasion of roaches in my house. My son noticed that I hated them and will always spray insecticides around the area where they were. So when he sees them, he runs to me and says ‘Mama, kowé’ pointing in their direction. Eventually he improved his pronunciation to ‘kokroch’ and started using it to refer to any animal he saw, big or small – dog, ant, birds, gecko, etc. As he grew older and could recognize different animals and knew their names, he has now narrowed down that appellation to creeping insects that look like roaches. This is the background, back to the object of my article.

Unlike the ‘juju’ bit which was fear instilled by adults on kids, my son’s use of ‘kokroch’ as a deterrent was solely developed by him. He is very choosy in the use of that deterrent, using it manipulatively only to his advantage. When it’s dark, if you ask him to go to the room and wear his slippers, he says ‘kokroch’; but if you ask him to go and get a gummy candy from that same room, he runs and gets it totally forgetting ‘kokroch’.

What are the ‘jujus’ and the ‘cockroaches’ in our lives? Have circumstances and people instilled some form of fear in us, or have we developed our own fears that deter us from fully achieving the things we could otherwise? I’ll do this exercise, and recommend you do same… think of all the deterrents in your life, be they things, people, situations, places, ideas, beliefs, etc and analyze each of them and what they represent to you. Are they simply excuses you make to keep yourself in a particular situation, or to feel better about yourself, or are they real fears… were they developed by you, or instilled by others in you? How can you move past them and recognize them for what they really are – simply fears?

“Fear not, for I am with you” (Isa 41:10) so says the Lord of Host!

Do it… and then some

As is the case with some of my posts, it has taken me forever to come around to writing this one. I feel I must do it now because the year is coming to an end, and I know this is a period when people do a lot of introspection, trying to analyze their lives in the year just ending and strategize on how to move forward. I had the most trying period of my life, by far the worst, a few months ago. I was neck deep in an uncomfortable situation and the rest of the world seemed to have stood still when I so needed them. I have never tried so hard for something in my life like I did when I was in the situation. I tried all avenues I possibly could but there were always obstacles, obstacles from angles I never thought possible. In my mind, I was operating in a system where things were moving smoothly, but then aren’t we all humans? However, one thing I would admit to myself is that I made a little slip – I would have pushed harder.


How many times have we found ourselves in difficult circumstances, and we don’t get a solution because we don’t want another person (who could actually influence the situation) to feel uncomfortable or to find us overbearing? Ok, I get it, we don’t want to seem ‘inconsiderate’. But guess what, that person might have just needed that extra push for them to take action that will get you out of the crisis. When you go to an office and meet people sitting outside, do you just sit with them or you knock on the door of the office? This is a common scenario, and most people I know will just sit outside with the others, not knowing their mission. Maybe the person in the office is waiting just for you… maybe the others are not there for same reason as you… just knock that door and let the person you want to see ask you to wait outside – then you can join the queue. It is that extra effort that usually makes things happen. I failed to make one call in between calls because I trusted someone will do what they said they’ll do. That someone just needed me to make that extra call for them to remember to do what they promised to.

This is not to say we should go about bugging people. Do all you HAVE to do and then some! Your mission is not same as others, so strive for your objective. Be more assertive, stop trying to make everybody comfortable at your expense, and be polite in your interactions. My issue has not gone away, and it would have been better if I just made that one extra call! I am not one to give in to regrets, I am moving on, but I have issues with myself and my attitude that I have to handle.

To end, as you know, I always have a Rhema to remind myself of God’s grace in my life. Romans 8:28 : “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”.

My Grace Preacher, Pastor Prince writes in his Daily Devotional of Dec 6, 2012 thus: “’all things’ is literally all things — the good, the bad and the ugly! Now, it does not mean that all things are from God. Some things, such as accidents, sicknesses, broken relationships and divorces are not from Him. They are from the devil or just part of the fallen world that we live in. But what this verse does tell us about our inheritance as God’s beloved children.

Do the people of the world have this inheritance? No. When bad things happen to them, they are what they are — bad things. But when bad things happen to the children of God, it does not end there. God can make those bad things work together for good. In other words, the devil may throw lemons at you, but God can take those lemons and make refreshing lemonade for you! It is important you remember that God is not behind anything bad or ugly. But when those things happen, know that He can make all things work together for good. And don’t let anyone tell you that all things will work together for good only if you love God and are called according to His purpose. These two things are not conditions but descriptions of believers.

My friend, because you have been born again, all things in your life will work together for good. This is your inheritance as a beloved child of God!"


Merry Xmas to you and I pray that 2013 brings more joy, peace and happiness to your life and may you be a perfect reflection of God's abundant grace to the world!