Desire is… not all

Does this seem like a total 180 from my last post? Not actually. I mentioned I desired something so badly and I’ll let you know when I got it – well, here’s a spoiler… I didn’t get it!

I have just traversed the most challenging time in my professional life, a situation I thought I’ll have a grip over when it happened, but boy was I so wrong. I had desired something, wanted it so desperately I went out of character to get it, but all that energy didn’t hold at the end. I thought I had failed myself, thought the whole world can’t understand me and are too blind to see, etc. I have never been more in touch with my emotions, and never expressed myself quite like that before. People always tell me I am very composed and calm even in difficult situations – oh well that was put to the test. I seemed composed and calm but there was this raging wavy sea inside of me that I wanted to explode, or implode. I was so angry, and for more than a month was pondering about how easy it is to encourage others in difficult situations but you can’t apply those encouraging words when you are the one in a situation. All the stuff about: ‘when a window closes, another one opens’; ‘light at the end of the tunnel’; ‘everything works for good’; ‘God knows why’; etc., did not work at consoling me. Each time someone said that, I felt like punching them. From where I was standing, I couldn’t see that light at the end; that purpose; the good to that situation; the doors that were opening, and so on. All my thought was geared towards giving myself time to ‘heal’, I didn’t want to accelerate the process – I was letting time to time. It wasn’t until last Wed, that was about a month and half from the situation, that I felt like I could talk about the situation without feeling bitter or remorseful, and I felt then I could actually write this article. Then on Friday, I had a huge reality check…

On Friday I met my dear friend, mentor, God-fearing and one of the kindest human beings I have ever known. We were discussing over lunch and I told him what I had gone through. He stared at me straight in my face until I finished my narrative, and he told me the Truth. He asked if I was a child of God – yes of course (now I’m thinking, where is he going with this). I started defending immediately about how I know everything happens for the good to them that love God, etc. but then how I couldn’t see that when I had the situation. He let me blab on for a while and he asked/told me:

 “why do you fight over a small ‘thing’ like that when God has bigger ‘things’ for you?”

“The person who wanted that thing is that person you created, not you”

“A child of God doesn’t compete, they just get what God has made for them…”

He went on and on, pricking my conscience and the God-man in me, challenging me with the Word, and making me see how ridiculous I had felt and behaved in that situation and in the aftermath. He reminded me of who I am in God’s eye, and that I shouldn’t belittle that. He diagnosed my issue to the fact that I have been ‘spoilt’ by God and that I needed that experience – although I didn’t need to feel and act the way I felt and acted after it happened. He counted my blessings, something I couldn’t bring myself to do in the crossover service of Dec 31 2014, and asked me how ungrateful I can be being stuck because one thing didn’t work the way I wanted. As you could imagine, he told me things I can’t mention here, he told me THE TRUTH and called me out on my stupidity. Some of the things he said I can’t mention here because they were so deep I am still meditating on them and asking God to inspire me and enlighten me to see the purpose of the Words He said through my friend and how I can apply them to make me a better God-person. God is great!

I am not yet ‘there’, but I am working on it. God has challenged me to return to the place He had taken me to, and I intend to go back there and grow spiritually. My experience challenges Napoleon Hill’s definition of desire. Desire does not transcend everything, no matter how keen and pulsating it is – the love of God does. We need to buffer desire (which has no heart) with the love of God (which is God’s heart). This is my point of view and I am solely responsible for every word in this article.

This article is dedicated to my friend, Mr Tambe. Thank you and I love you sincerely. Not many people have the courage to look me in my eyes and tell me the truth without judging me or condemning me. I’m still contemplating some of the deeper things you told me, but I know with the Love of God, I will come to understand them and be a better me. First of all, I need to regain the level of confidence I had in myself before this situation, and then grow from there. Shalom!